He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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