why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
