In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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