It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Don't tell me you're on acid again
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
