all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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