I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
