No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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