I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I forgot how hot balto sounded
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize