I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
