I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
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