I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I love you.
Bad choice
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