Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I cut my penus on the lid.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
