I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
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