so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
