Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
