Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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