Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize