Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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