can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
