I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
We have so much sex to catch up on
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
