dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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