someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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