Im at strip club and am horny
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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