god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Randomize