Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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