dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
