I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
