If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
