he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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