I must be too annoying 4 u.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
