I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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