I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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