I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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