FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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