upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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