Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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