My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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