Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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