I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
