I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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