he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
