i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
