i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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