the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
