When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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