I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
