sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
organizing the empties. That sober.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
