How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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