I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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