i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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