on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
