On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize