Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
