well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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