so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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