HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
