Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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