Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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