my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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