I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
