me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
this hospital has no fireball
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
