I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
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