If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize