I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
