she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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